For a long time I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for the life that I had lived, So I never talked about anything that had happened to me when I was younger. I didn’t want the pity that so often came with the words, “I’m so sorry for you.” I felt shame in hearing those words for some reason. The look of sorrow in their faces gave me this feeling of resentment for my life.
As a teenager I was still struggling with my life. As a young adult I started to understand it more. I began to realize that many people used pity to gain whatever it was that they were wanting. Some people used it to get attention. Others wanted an easier way. We have all seen people take advantage of one another because of events or hardships or even just because of their own nature.
I think some part of me felt like a statistic. Some part of me felt like I was being stereotyped or looked at in a certain frame when people heard about my past. I wanted to create, be, or survive on my own and not despite the world I had grown up in. I was trying to push away from part of who I was so that I wouldn’t let it be all that I was. Part of my felt dishonest though. I felt like by hiding my life I was hiding part of myself as well. I didn’t want to be “that” girl, but I didn’t want to be less than what I was either.
I realized something at some point in my life though. I realized that pity has to be taken. It has to be accepted and it has to be wanted. I can be honest about who I am and where I have been in my life but that doesn’t mean that I have to use it to gain anything. I don’t have to accept sorrow as a form of payment. I don’t have to be ashamed of my struggles because I made it through them. I found a strength and no pity could ever understand that. I think that sometimes pity forgets the present. It puts us back into a time or situation that we may no longer be a part of and when we go back there we forget that we are standing here today. I am not ashamed of my life. I am alive when I could have given up. I could have been beaten and stayed down. I don’t want the pity that people so often share. I want instead to share the strength that I found somewhere deep inside of myself.
I found my strength. I want you to find yours. You won’t find it by looking though. You find it by looking back and realizing that YOU made it one day and one step at a time.