My Heart Brings Me Down

I have this horribly sympathetic heart. I want to help everyone, people that I don’t know, people that I barely know, people that I love. I want to fix their problems. I want to reach out and help them all. Some people think that is a good trait. Having a heart that is open and aware can be a wonderful gift. You are left caring and concerned and you are unique in some aspects. I see pain and it pains me as well. I want to temper those feelings and ease them for others. I may never understand my desire to help. I may never know what caused it to be but I know that it is an essential part of me.

There are so many problems in helping others though. I have a hard time doing what is best for me at times. I let others manipulate me and for so many years I was walked all over because of that. I learned that giving leaves you open to heartbreak and I learned that not everyone cares about others as I do. It is easy to say you feel but it is difficult to actually feel for others as you do yourself. I put people in front of me. I have and I will continue and in some ways by doing that I lose who I am. I worry about not being able to help and I worry about causing additional pain to others. I have caused pain. I hate it. I loathe myself for the hurt I have inflicted even when it was unintentional.

The thing is that when you open yourself up to give and help others you are accepting their pain into yourself. You are agreeing to unburden them and by doing so some of that pain shifts onto you. You take on their problems, their drama, and extra grief that you wouldn’t have endured otherwise. If you volunteer your time to help you are carrying extra weight. I sometimes wonder if I feel like I deserve this extra weight. I often get involved with the intention of helping and then I end up getting hurt as well. I have lost a few “friendships” because I tried to help them or because I felt sorry for their positions and when I couldn’t help them anymore I took the blame. I ended up being the bad guy. I wasn’t a doormat like they thought and they no longer wanted anything to do with me after that.

My whole life has been littered with people who needed me until they didn’t need me. I have tried to come to terms with it. I have done my part to help and then I have been hurt by loss. I have lost ideals of people more than actual people.

My heart causes me pain and it brings the pain of others into me. I often wish I didn’t care as much as I do. I wish I knew how to manage my emotions better. I am horrible because I can’t handle the tears that others cry and yet I end up getting wet anyway.

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4 thoughts on “My Heart Brings Me Down

  1. I understand this. I have a friend who is like this, too, and she won’t socialize, because she is afraid of what trouble her empathy will get her into. So she is basically a shut-in. That is an extreme boundary, try to find something less extreme, but still put up some boundaries, and try to really pay attention to those who are careful and caring with you. They deserve more of your attention, because they have hearts like yours. Their hearts will give you heart. Feed you, instead of bleed you. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it, you need it. Be your own best friend, because you are nicer than most you have known, and hurt more. Make sure you have YOU time.

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    • I completely understand. I’ve had points where I was unable to handle being around others as well. Thank you so much for your kindness. Today was one of those hard days. I appreciate you commenting.

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  2. I guess guys have it easier in this department. It’s easy for us to shut out the world and put up a front. In my case it comes in the form of a scowl. It helps especially when it comes to hiding traumatic pasts.

    On another note, I read somewhere that people with abusive childhoods have a “heightened” ability to be empathetic to others – especially those with, you guessed it, troubled pasts as well. So what you’re going through isn’t too weird considering your past.

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    • Well that would explain some of it then! I didn’t know that about the troubled past/heightened awareness. You are right guys are better equipped at shutting things out. Sometimes I’m envious of that. Thanks for the new knowledge. I appreciate that very much!

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